Are there any shows that you've watched one episode of and then couldn't watch ever again?

Are there any shows that you've watched one episode of and then couldn't watch ever again?

Answer here

No, NO, Power Rangers!

Warning: the following rant is extremely likely to contain vicious language and intensely explicit imagery. So if you decide to read this, it's your own dang fault.

Oh, God...why, why, WHY did I ever let myself get hyped up for Power Rangers Samurai!? Why did I fall for the trap of raised expectations, and worse still, why did I let myself get suckered in by the facade of nostalgia? Why did I ever think Power Rangers Samurai was going to be any good?

Actually, a better question: how will I purge this completely horrific piece of shit from my mind?

For those of you who have no bloody idea what I'm talking about, allow me to elucidate. Tonight was the series premiere of technically the 19th season of Power Rangers, based on Samurai Sentai Shinkenger and back under the seemingly loving care of Saban (after 8 seasons of Disneyfication). Ever since Saban bought Power Rangers back, I'd gone through every stage imaginable regarding the prospects of a new Power Rangers series based on Shinkenger, including phases of uncertainty, dread, resignation, and finally hopeful anticipation. As the series got closer to premiering and more information came out, I liked what I saw. I even got suckered in by nostalgic moves, such as bringing back the beloved character of Bulk from the first 6 seasons. I even marked today's premiere on the calendar, ready to pounce over to Nickelodeon as soon as it came on.

This could have been the biggest mistake of my life.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love Shinkenger, and I haven't even gotten to do my reviews of it yet. But as much as I loved the characters, storylines, and devices of Shinkenger, I ABHOR...no, that's not strong enough a word. I FUCKING HATE POWER RANGERS SAMURAI WITH THE INTENSITY OF 10 SEPTILLION BLUE SUPERGIANTS. As hilarious and serious as Shinkenger was, this pitiful excuse for a show is beyond terrible. It is the most rancid, liquidous shit I have ever had the misfortune of being forced to ingest.

"But Shadowbird," you may say, "you weren't forced to watch this. You watched it of your own volition!" And you would be correct, except I didn't force myself to watch this show thinking it would suck the soul out of me. I watched it under the expectation that it would be an adaptation not only worthy of the name Power Rangers but worthy of Shinkenger itself. Instead, from the first moments of the show proper, I was screaming at the television, "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!?"

The reason for this is because for a premiere episode, this was not an introductory episode. There was no building the team, no introduction of the villains, no explanation of everything. They jumped straight into about the second or third episode, relative to Shinkenger. And while the intro credits were pretty good, afterward, we go even further down the rabbit hole.

I won't go through the episode in depth, as I didn't think to document this act of first-degree murder, but I will enumerate all the things that either pissed me off or inordinately depressed me.

1. Again, we're thrown into the fire with no explanation why. The team is just...there, training under their master Ji. The personalities are kinda...sorta...almost correct, but not. The "lord" is by far the most off, as he doesn't have the same...regal bearing as his Sentai counterpart Takeru.
2. Bulk and Spike. Two things bothered me about this. 1) Why is Bulk there? The scene with him and his "nephew" Spike has no set-up and no pay-off within the episode's story. Secondly, I have a very bad feeling, by his demeanor and clothing, that Spike will end up being the Gold Ranger. Which is an insult to Genta, ShinkenGold. Bulk's appearance was pointless fan-service, playing to the nostalgia of Power Rangers fans like myself.
3. The villains. Oh, dear Primus, the villains. Serious, dark, and foreboding in Shinkenger. Silly, light, and annoying in Samurai. Even the wise advisor character now sounds and acts like Finster from Mighty Morphin. And to make matters worse, you know how much of their motivations we know? Not even a strange quark's worth. No explanation. No point. *sliding facepalm*
4. The transformation sequences. Where to begin...well, how about I break this one even further down?
• Go Go Samurai. *insert primal scream of infinite rage here* WHAT THE FLYING-ON-ONE-BURNING-ENGINE FUCK KIND OF MORPHING CALL IS THAT!? THIS ISN'T FUCKING INSPECTOR GADGET! IT'S POWER RANGERS! EVEN THE CHEESIEST POWER RANGERS MORPHING CALLS WERE BETTER THAN THIS! PUT SOME FUCKING EFFORT INTO THIS SHIT, FOR FUCKING OUT LOUD! Here, I'll give you a better one for free: "Samurai Spirit, Bushido!"
• Costume sidenote: the transformation sequence has the Rangers donning a ninja-style mask before the helmet comes on. A ninja mask. In a samurai-based show. And I thought Disney not allowing the Ninja Storm Rangers to use shuriken was fail...
• MegaMonsters and "Megamode" for the Zords. Why do you need a new suit design for the Zords; you never had one before in all of Power Rangers, and there wasn't one in Shinkenger! The only good thing here is the redesigned sword controller, which looks cool...but isn't the same as Shinkenger's.

I say this with no irony or jest: as both a fan of Power Rangers and Super Sentai, I feel as if I have been raped, and my beloved franchises have been raped and murdered. This attempt at a show doesn't feel like any effort whatsoever was put into it, except for some flashy effects here and there. This show doesn't even deserve to be called Power Rangers, because it shames, violates, and obliterates both Power Rangers and Shinkenger. I have never felt dirtier after watching a program in my life, and I watch TNA Wrestling almost every week, for God's sake. Something is incredibly, direly, infinitely wrong when I can watch a show and say to my love, "I can write a better screenplay than this!" And I haven't ever written one of any kind...yet, anyway.

I've cried more than once just thinking about this show. I've wished there was liquor in the house so I can drown away this nightmarish, demon-spawned crock of shit. Nickelodeon and Saban now owe me 30 minutes of my life, and sadly, I know I will never, ever get it back. And now...a part of my soul has been permanently destroyed. I can no longer enjoy Power Rangers without thinking of this, and my love of Sentai might end up suffering as a result as well. I will never watch another official Power Rangers product again, and I'm debating if I want to include Linkara's History of Power Rangers in that ban out of pure spite for what has become of the once-beloved franchise. I know I'm going to have nightmares, and I doubt I could wash the filth away even if I scrubbed myself into a bloody pulp.

Moving forward, I feel like the last survivor of a horror flick: lucky that I somehow managed to survive, but still permanently scarred in body and in mind. When a show is so terrible that you are seriously pondering trepanation to purge the damaged parts of your brain from your skull, you know something has gone horribly wrong. Saban, Nickelodeon, for the sake of Power Rangers fans the world over...how DARE you treat fans this way! This is a fail of infinitely higher proportion than Masked Rider; this is a fail on the level of 4Kids! You are guilty of the murder of one great show and one once-great franchise. May you forever freeze in the 9th Level of Hell for this treachery.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go chug down an entire bottle of mouthwash...

What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?

What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?

Answer here